What kind of person do you want to be when someone you care about needs help? That’s the question at the heart of this episode of Chocolate and Coffee Break—and it’s a question that doesn’t just tap the mind. It taps the soul. In Episode 12, host Andrea Putting is joined by Ross Judd, author of Listening: A Guide to …
What kind of person do you want to be when someone you care about needs help?
That’s the question at the heart of this episode of Chocolate and Coffee Break—and it’s a question that doesn’t just tap the mind. It taps the soul.
In Episode 12, host Andrea Putting is joined by Ross Judd, author of Listening: A Guide to Building Better Connections. Together, they explore a form of listening that goes beyond words—beyond fixing, beyond advice, beyond “being helpful.”
It’s the kind of listening that creates a space so safe, so soft, so compassionate… that the truth finally has room to emerge.
And yes—Ross believes it could change the world.
The Moment That Changed Everything
Ross shares a story that still moves him years later.
His daughter Emily was around 10 years old when she came and loitered in his office doorway. That behavior was unusual. Normally she would burst in, take over the keyboard, climb on his lap—normal kid stuff.
But this time, something was different.
Ross made a choice that many of us struggle to make:
He stopped.
He got quiet.
And he let her guide the conversation.
Emily started talking about kids at school being mean to her—and Ross felt the pull of every parenting instinct:
- Who are these kids?
- What are the teachers doing?
- Should I call their parents?
- Let’s fix this immediately.
But he didn’t.
He stayed with her. He listened. He summarized what he was hearing. He reflected it back to her so she knew she wasn’t alone in it.
And as the conversation unfolded, Emily opened up more.
“Please Don’t Tell Mom.”
Then something happened that shocked him.
Ross suggested: “Let’s ask your mom.”
Emily reacted strongly:
“No. Please don’t tell Mom.”
That didn’t make sense at first. Her mother was supportive, empathetic, caring. So why would Emily fear bringing her into the conversation?
That moment was the turning point—because it revealed a truth Ross now teaches everywhere:
People often don’t tell you the real issue first.
They “audition” the conversation with a safer topic.
And if you stay present long enough—if you don’t hijack the moment—you can reach what’s really going on.
The deeper issue wasn’t the school situation. Emily had already thought through solutions.
The deeper issue was that her mother had been playfully teasing her in everyday life, and in this vulnerable moment Emily didn’t feel emotionally safe enough to open up to her.
Ross offered a bridge. He spoke to Emily’s mom and explained what Emily was feeling.
And the moment that followed became a memory that still makes him emotional:
Emily followed him down the hall… and soon mother and daughter were in each other’s arms.
A repair happened. Connection returned.
And Ross knew—deep in his bones—these listening concepts were real.
Why Listening Matters More Than We Admit
Andrea asks a hard question: what if that moment hadn’t happened?
Ross doesn’t answer dramatically, but he answers honestly.
When someone already carries anxiety, loneliness, or a tendency to feel isolated, small separations can become big ones over time. Without connection, where do they turn? How do they cope?
Ross even explores how disconnection can contribute to darker outcomes—and while he’s careful not to overstate it, the point is clear:
Listening isn’t a “nice-to-have.”
It can be a lifeline.
“It Could Change the World.”
Later, Ross says something bold:
If we learn to actually listen—really listen—we could change the world.
Because most of the time we don’t listen to understand.
We listen to:
- confirm what we already believe
- latch onto one word and react
- defend our position
- rehearse our reply
- hear what we want to hear
Ross calls out the hardest listening of all: listening to people we disagree with.
Your brain goes loud. Your inner dialogue runs wild. You’re tempted to correct, debate, or label.
But if you can quiet the noise long enough to hear what matters to them… something shifts.
And Andrea shares a powerful truth she’s heard before: the people who begin as your greatest conflict can sometimes become your closest friends—because conflict, when handled with listening, can become connection.
Ross’s Simple Three-Step Listening Practice
Ross doesn’t overcomplicate it. He says deep listening is hard—but you don’t have to do it constantly.
His key message:
Pick your moments.
And then he offers a simple three-step approach:
- Recognize the moment
Look for subtle clues: behavior shifts, hesitation, the “loitering in the doorway” moments. - Connect fully
Put the phone away. Close the laptop. Make it obvious you’re present. - Summarize what you’re hearing
Not to fix. Not to judge.
Just to reflect it back—so the person feels heard and safe enough to go deeper.
Active Listening (Without Making It Complicated)
Andrea brings up a common confusion: How can listening be “active” if I’m meant to be silent?
Ross makes it simple: the “active” part is summarizing.
Reflective listening—paraphrasing what someone says—forces your brain to focus on their meaning instead of your internal noise. It keeps you from getting hijacked by one triggering word.
And it shows the other person:
“I’m here. I’m with you. I’m listening.”
Values: The Missing Link
One of the most powerful moments in the episode is when Ross connects listening to values.
Because many people hear about listening skills and think:
“Cool idea. I should do that.”
But then real life happens—and they fall back into old habits.
Ross asks again:
Who do you want to be when the moment comes?
That’s why he teaches the Integrated Values Iceberg—a framework to close the gap between intention and behavior. Instead of trying to define your values for your entire life (which feels overwhelming), he suggests focusing on values for something specific:
- listening
- parenting
- leadership
- your workplace culture
- even a show like Chocolate and Coffee Break
Values, when integrated, become who you are—not just what you say.
The Episode Challenge
Ross leaves listeners with something practical:
If you’re doing a Chocolate & Coffee Break with someone—listen more intently.
Watch for what’s underneath.
Remember: the real issue might not arrive first.
And if you try summarizing—just a little—notice what happens to the conversation.
Because deep listening doesn’t just help people feel heard…
It helps people feel safe enough to be real.
Learn more: RossJudd.com
Book: Listening: A Guide to Building Better Connections
And as always: Let love be the loudest voice.
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