Behind the Smile: The Stories We Cannot See

Content advisory: This article and the accompanying conversation discuss domestic abuse, emotional abuse and mental health struggles. Please consider whether this is the right time for you to engage with these subjects.

If you or someone you know needs support, contact 1800RESPECT in Australia on 1800 737 732, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the United States on 800-799-7233.

How well do we really know the people around us?

We all know someone who seems to have everything together. They’re successful in their career, confident in their decisions and always willing to help when someone needs them. They’re the people we turn to because they seem capable of handling anything life throws their way.

We see their achievements, their smiles and the lives they’ve built, and we make assumptions about how well they’re doing. Yet there can be an enormous difference between the life someone appears to be living and the reality they experience behind closed doors.

In my latest conversation on Chocolate and Coffee Break: A Compassionate Proposition, Rebecca Lazzelle shares what it was like to be that person. A successful corporate professional, Rebecca was building what many would consider the American dream. She had a career she enjoyed, a marriage, a home and plans for the future. From the outside, her life appeared to be going well.

What people couldn’t see was that she was gradually losing herself in a relationship she didn’t initially recognise as abusive.

Watch my conversation with Rebecca Lazzelle on Chocolate and Coffee Break: A Compassionate Proposition.

https://youtu.be/da5nYv-JQCw

When the person everyone sees isn’t the whole story

One of the interesting things about Rebecca’s experience is how much she genuinely enjoyed her professional life. Her work wasn’t simply somewhere she went to maintain appearances. It was a place where she felt capable, valued and connected to the people around her. She was good at solving problems, making improvements and helping others succeed.

Yet while she was confidently navigating the challenges of her professional world, her personal life was becoming increasingly difficult.

There’s something important for us to understand in that contrast. Being strong and independent doesn’t mean someone is immune to manipulation or abuse. Being successful doesn’t mean they have all the answers. And being the person everyone relies upon doesn’t mean they don’t need someone to turn to themselves.

Sometimes the qualities we admire in another person become the very reasons we fail to recognise that they might be struggling.

We assume they’re fine because they’ve always seemed fine. We don’t ask questions because we can’t imagine there’s anything wrong.

And sometimes, the person we’re making those assumptions about doesn’t yet fully understand what’s happening in their own life.

When abuse doesn’t look the way we expect

As Rebecca and I talked, we explored how easily domestic abuse can go unrecognised when it doesn’t fit the picture we have in our minds.

For many people, the word abuse immediately brings physical violence to mind. We think of injuries, assaults and situations where the danger is obvious. Yet abuse can also involve intimidation, manipulation, humiliation, thre